The title ‘interlude’ initially was for the second poem. It was the only one I had wanted to post today, because I just felt like I should put something here while my headspace is in elsewhere too far to write something new. The past has given me much comfort as of late, which is quite surprising for me, as a more future-oriented person who claims she can easily forget. I’ve been seeing old photos and realising that they looked better than I had put in memory. Maybe because my eyes needed more rest back then. It is difficult to see clearly when trying to see everything.
I think that’s one other thought I’d love to go back to. But as I was saying, today, I’m deep in golden quicksand. I was going to say ‘of responsibilities’ but it is the leaving out of that detail that helped me get started. Yesterday I felt the height of my anxiety over things I didn’t want to do but had to. I was anxious both because of the fact and because a lot of them are in spaces I didn’t feel safe in. For whatever reason. But now I realise that it’s either I’m a lot more resilient and care-less (in both ways) than my anxious mind would say or that those spaces are safer than I had imagined them to be. Either way, maybe it’s both. Now I’m trying not to think much about that too.
I love getting deep into something so much that I forget everything else. Even for a moment. A moment in which only that something matters, exists. Some people call that flow; I say it’s my way of living. Which I am finding to be more and more accurate these days. I used to think that it’s only an ideal, or even, just an idea. Not within the bounds of reality. But I guess that’s true as well: it is taking me beyond this physical realm and elsewhere, everywhere, nowhere. And I love it.
The multiplicity of what structures describe as ‘being human’, the unnecessary complications of existence: I saw those same barriers yesterday, before I jumped headfirst into just one thing. Never-mind the rest. In this moment, I would rather be one with one thing than get everything done lifelessly. Still I can feel the chatters of expectations that seem to tell me: you have to get everything done right now, in this moment, give up your feelings, just do what you’re told. However, I am glad to announce that I absolutely abhor expectations. In this moment, they do not exist in my reality. And that’s the only thing that matters.