log of a serious thursday, 29 April 2021

오후 2:22

Why does it feel like today, the 29th, is a significant day? I can’t recall anything.

I am back here in the café with last night’s leftover Americano, new ice for the drink, and not as many thoughts except for this desire to create something. And maybe if I feel deeper, there’s a tinge of guilt, also left-over from many years of social praxis that says I ought to do something else before addressing the aforementioned desire.

Right now, I don’t know how to conclude that conflict yet; but also right now, I have in front of me a plate of my supposed first meal of the day and I’m also not sure when I ought to address this. I don’t feel hungry yet, but it’s here, and looking at it makes me want to eat.

There is also that conflict from thinking I need to finally re-establish plans and routines because that’s what everyone else says is the right answer for anything and against the smaller voice, this time because it’s still newborn, shy, and unused to the gloomy clouds of days like this, that reminds me to feel what I want to do instead. I guess phrasing the former as how I did makes everything a little clearer. I never liked doing after what anyone tells me to do. Reverse psychology works a little better on me: tell me what you want me to not do and I’ll probably do it to spite you. But without that added factor, I most likely just won’t care enough to even listen. Maybe I’ll pretend to listen. It really depends on the day and who is speaking. Most times I will listen, I just won’t do because while listening I’ve had figured it out my own way.

And on days like today, I don’t want to figure anything out. Maybe because there isn’t anything for me to figure out at the moment. I know what I have to do; I know what I want to do.

Today I feel like clearing my way and writing about the whole process as it goes. Like Spring has just begun. Because Spring has just begun.

저녁 시간

빵 넘넘 좋다

오후 10:30

I found the perfect meme for a class self-introduction:

Gone were the days when I used to be updated with every sort of memes in the world… back when I pseudo-active in online social circles of my communities (translation: when I still had active friendships. Hahaha). But apparently you can get memes through Google and Instagram algorithms. And it’s possible to survive without them.

Here’s a sample shot from a new film photo application I purchased for my phone. The app is called ‘Filmroll’ and the lifetime pro-version is more than worth the price. Definitely more cost-efficient than buying film just for taking photos at home. Hahaha. Perfect for limitless play-time.

I’m only on my second cup of coffee today which reminds me that there’s still so much time left. Sometimes I long for morning work sessions but these days, only evenings are conducive for most tasks. C’est la vie. I should study some French later.

오후 10:37

답답하다 ㅠㅠ 왜 <그거> 필요해 . . .

오후 11:11 부터

That’s enough keeping track of time for me. I am a person of extremes, and at this end I do not work with schedules. Let me just do what I want, when I want. That part can be challenging enough sometimes. I feel so much resistance about the things I have in front of me, but honestly a lot of it is just in thought. What would matter in five years? Not the exact time this was written.

I dislike it when people complain but these days I can’t help doing so. Maybe it’s because I don’t really try to stop myself: my heart is on my sleeves and it is burning. Burning! Burning, I tell you. And yet I feel stuck doing the alphabet over and over again. For the same obsolete language.

Learning extinct languages is interesting. Maybe that’s the point. The ‘obsolete language’ is so breathtakingly rich and would be even more so if only there weren’t any of these unnecessary introductions.

What’s the point of introductions anyway?

See? No introductions.

Except sometimes it’s just nice to talk about something before getting to the thing itself. Case in point: the following are from today’s play-time. ‘Play-time’ because I need to lest I go even crazier than this.

Or maybe I can. Hah!

Burning!

끝끝끝! 이제까지 . . .