오후 2:07
I have been feeling lost, but not exactly because I do not know what to do, although that is what I have been asking myself: What now? What next? What should I do?
And I know what to do: there are a long list and countless thoughts, several, even spiritual, guidance. Yes, I have been feeling stuck, but this time not because of uncertainty. Now that I think about it, I do not know if maybe that was just where I was supposed to be: stuck. Maybe I did not need to move at all—why then do I feel guilty about that? It is hard to let go. Oftentimes a lack of control is scary, but too much is exhausting. Maybe that is why humans are no gods. Individual free-will is difficult enough, what more a full cycle of existence, or the whole of life itself with many lives-within-lives.
I used to think that is what I want: control, power, prestige. However, I have been learning that such is not the case. I do not really enjoy, much less truly desire, those, apparently—while they are good, they are not the point of existence. Having had tastes of them had only left me tired and unsatisfied.
I still do not know what the point is exactly. Maybe it is that: to figure out along the way. I have been learning and becoming more aware of Myself, of what I like, what I resonate with even when there is no reason to, what feels true. My hope is that what I feel and intuit to be true becomes a part of Truth, to be truly True. I have been wanting to know and understand Truth, but slowly I am realizing that maybe the point is to live it instead. Sometimes in doing so, I experience the truth without knowing it to be what it is, but I find that it is better than knowing without living.
From a journal entry, dated 20 July 2020