6:36 AM
okay, some blog stuff
It’s right on time for the next routine on schedule. Writing with the birds chirping on the background and the sun slowly showing the day’s colours sound perfect, and yet there’s that same voice that says
Hold up. We’re not that ready.
On another folder of the same computer screen is a list of things-to-do-from-the-past, or more commonly known as backlog, my favourite (sarcasm, if that’s not obvious). Things to catch up on, you know. Things to settle with before–before–anything.
The prerequisite to finally being okay. Once those are done, I can finally breathe and enjoy everything else that I will be doing moving forward.
Backlog, reset, restart–that paradigm worked. In many ways, it was efficient and less stressful but the little known danger is in doing it too often or relying on it too much. That I can’t move forward yet because there’s still backlog, still more stuff from the past that I need to deal with first before anything else. Things that are keeping me from that Ideal Day when I finally get to actually enjoy things and do what I want. The day that I’m finally free from whatever is in that list.
Then the paradigm just becomes another word for the same excuse: I’m not ready.
Sure, I can add a ‘yet’ somewhere in that sentence again but every ‘yet’ is always contingent to a ‘finally’. The past few days I’ve been wondering when that ‘finally’ is, or if it’s ever going to be as I realise that it’s all the same things, same cycle, all this time. That every time, it’s the same sort of list that’s keeping that Ideal Day as just an idea and never a reality.
And that I’m never going to be ready. At least not in the way I want to be.
But I’m also beginning to realise that… that’s okay. That’s probably just fine, and fine, too, to move forward despite.
In the end, it all works out anyway, somehow.
Journal entry, 17 February 2020
Project Renaissance diaries: Embracing Chaos
Listen to the full podcast episode (this post and some commentary) here via Castos above or on Spotify by clicking here.